I experienced seriously from anxiousness and also major depression for further versus 30 years. It got even worse during the course of high school, and also even even worse later on, because if it had been deliberately attempting to render my favorite life because miserable because possible. This really is my favorite tale of Good psychological soreness, agelong a great deal of isolation, misery and also utter despair as well as how I progressively found my favorite method away of this dark unterfuehrung of despair and also into the digestible of wisdom, pleasure and also great relief.
Along with all the problems one usually gets when growing up, the symptoms of panic disorder and not at first knowing what they were, devastated my days at school and ruined my concentration with schoolwork. I would come home completely exhausted, frustrated and unable to concentrate on anything, especially homework. I had a very limited social life and no girlfriends. I suffered for what seemed like an eternity from social anxiety, loneliness, severe acne, mysterious weight loss, and crippling depression. I had an extreme dislike of most kinds of team sports and had a really hard time trying to fit in anywhere. From grade school to high school, I suffered much hazing from others and much rejection and "unrequited love" from members of the opposite sex I felt attracted to, resulting in a vicious cycle of continued social anxiety, resentment of other's popularity and success, and my overwhelming sense of rejection, isolation and alienation.
The suffering continued through college (where I studied nutrition, psychology, astronomy and especially art) and into my work years. I could only find jobs that were simple and stress free such as gardening, painting and handyman type projects. I finally had a job taking care of an office building with a garden and fountain that required much continuous maintenance and support. I am still working there today.
Throughout the '70s, '80s and '90s, I tried in vain to find the cause of my suffering through religions, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. only to be severely disappointed by their "its all in your head" diagnosis! It seemed FAR worse than just "anxiety neurosis" or the later diagnosis of "anxiety disorder"! I couldn't believe it. I thought I either had to have heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, strokes, tumors, diabetes, lead poisoning, mercury, DDT, or any combination of the above! You name it, It felt like I had it! But, over and over all my tests revealed nothing substantial or really significant, no toxins, no poisons, nothing that made sense or was helpful.
I tried counseling, Christianity, Christian and Religious science, eastern religions, meditation, yoga, and positive thinking for many years, but still my problems only got worse. I started feeling more and more like a nutcase and a good candidate for insanity as more and more of my family and friends gave me the "its all in your head so snap out of it" insult-to-injury "treatment." Nearly all of my acquaintances had no understanding or sympathy for my chronic problems so they left me alone. I spent most of my time very much alone and isolated. Being with people scared me so much I often had to run to an isolated, quiet room or area where no people were around. I could not fill out any forms or sign my name on my check or credit card receipt in public because I would shake too much. Some of my signatures looked absolutely bizarre and any forms filled out illegible. I went through hell just trying to fill out a simple job application.
Conversations would end abruptly because I kept losing track of
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